I didn’t think I’d be here so soon after my last post, and especially when I feel as though I’ve been doing so well lately. I think I must’ve jinxed myself or summit, because I’m not feeling as great today… I didn’t get much sleep because my brain wouldn’t switch off. I’ve run out of a lower dose of Quetiapine, which I’d take with my 50mg tablet, and whilst I’m on a low dose, I didn’t think missing the lower dose on top of the 50mg would be that noticeable, but clearly, it is having an impact on me, and I need to get a repeat prescription in as soon as really…
My mind is going over everything again. Like, literally EVERYTHING. Not just what’s happening in the here and now, but things which have happened in the past and in the present and then the stupid “what ifs”, keep popping up, of which I’m trying to ignore because I know darn well there’s no point in worrying about that, and then of course – there’s the future.
I’ll tell you what’s going on:
1. Past: Family and friendships.
The family stuff is an obvious one really – It’s always complicated in our life. There’s still no word of my brother expecting a baby (Well, his girlfriend), but it makes me wonder if I’m not being told so I’m protected or if it’s just them being spiteful (which wouldn’t surprise me!) … Then there’s my other brother, who’s had a crisis of cutting all his very long dreads off, and coming off of drugs, a potential turnaround and great thing. Then my baby sister, who’s recently left for university, which is just scary as hell because she’s so teeny and looks (and is!) so vulnerable. There’s also grandparents stuff – where one grandparent is in a care home and we haven’t seen him for years, and then another grandparent shows how they still can’t treat all their grandchildren the same – and that just frustrates me. And then…. Friendships. Well, they’re alright. Though, I sometimes feel very alone, and more so now I wonder what I’m doing with my life. Everyone is either at college, university or work, or looking for work. I feel as though everyone is going out and meeting people, and then there’s me – stuck. There’s some jealousy and then there’s paranoia.
2. Present – Friendships, who am I?, Now what?
Sounds crazy – but I feel as though I’m being judged, or watched. Not actually in person, but online. I feel as though people who I’ve accepted recently as “friends” on Facebook, are seeing how I am now, compared to how I was before my therapies, how different I am now to how I was at school… You may wonder if this is the case, then why are these people on my Facebook? Well, I have set them to “acquaintances”, or “restricted”, of which I doubt will do much, but I’ve accepted because I want to know why they want me to be on their friends list – especially when we haven’t spoken for years, or even at all. Some people I’ve had to accept lately so they can send me event invitations, as I’m, sort of, a part of a local fibromyalgia group, (which is another story!) … One of these friendships though, is still getting to me. The friendship which become toxic is now an online friendship again, and I’m not entirely sure why. I want to be friends, make amends, etc, but I am still being ignored, and wonder why they decided to accept a friend request I’d sent months and months ago. I wonder what they think of me, how they see me now, if they see any changes in me, what they believe, what they don’t believe and so on. It’s actually torturing me more so thinking about this, than before they had accepted my friend request, and now I wonder why I bothered, especially when it’s not changed our relationship. We’re still not “friends” again. (Oh my goodness, I just realise how petty and childish this all sounds, and I am so, so sorry for boring you!)
Then of course – Who am I?
I know who I am… To a point. I’ve completed my course in Animal Assisted Therapy, and still need to complete my Animal Behaviour course, before starting my Psychotherapy. Eurgh. Aside from this – I feel as though I’m becoming worthless/useless again. I am organising crafts fair again, which drive me crazy, create added stresses and anxieties I don’t need, and starting to visit a neighbour a bit more after we found out we both have fibro. However, when I think about the future – which will come up in a moment, I wonder if I really know who I am because what have I achieved, really, in the past two years since leaving therapy? Everyone says how well I’ve been doing, and sometimes I can see it myself, but then sometimes… Like now, I can’t.
I guess this leads to the- Now what…
What now? I can focus on the “onwards and upwards”, and keep pushing through, but I don’t think that’s going to do anything. I feel like I’m losing motivation, and I’m especially feeling the fatigue (of which I’m hoping having booked the hyperbaric oxygen therapy will help me with) and I just can’t seem to focus on anything without my thoughts rattling away.
3. Future – The what ifs…
The future is the unknown. It’s scary. We can’t predict what’s going to happen, but we can make changes in our present life which will also change the outcome of the future. Almost as if there is a line to follow, but if you want to create a step, you can.
Anyway, sounds daft (as most of this does), but I keep thinking about the Christmas party for the therapy gorup. They have one every year, and on the presumption that they still invite ex members, I wonder how it will go. Now, I shouldn’t be thinking about this yet. I’d like to enjoy Halloween and my birthday first without thinking about the “C” word, but my-oh-my, it really is prominant in my mind.
I keep thinking about what to wear, who will be there, what should I say, what will people ask, what would I eat, if I was to eat, and if I was to go with some of the ex members, I’d be going with a couple of friends, of whom I feel are succeeding far greater than I am.
And this – this is where I start to get not just envious of how life works our for some, but also so darn critical of myself and my own life, even though I have a perfect, yet crazy, life which I am extremely lucky to have. I guess it worries me with the whole “judgement” thing, and again, I feel as though I should be doing something with my life by now.
I feel as though I’m putting things off, but at the same time, I have been trying to study and I do – I do plan on starting a business, which will take some time, and I know I need to be in the right place, mentally and physically to do so.
Then what if my business doesn’t take off? What if I’m no good at it? What if I can’t do it? What if I need to get a “normal, boring, mundane” job? What if I can’t work at all? What if my health declines? And so on… Again – I know I shouldn’t be thinking of these at all. I won’t know unless I try! (Yah-dah, yah-dah!)
So many thoughts, and currently so little time when I have so much I should be getting on with, instead of typing this up, or worrying about friendships online, or what people think of me, and so on…! Honestly, I don’t know where the time goes these days!
Okay, another long post (sorry everyone!) … I’m sure I’ll be back again soon. I’ve so much more to say still, and I reckon it’s going to be another sleepless night!
All the best. Stay strong!