-UPDATED MARCH 2018-
As I drift off into the world unknown, my thoughts and ideas become wild and unrealistic. I feel it is my duty to prove these unrealistic thoughts that things can happen and that I can make a change. Somewhere in my subconscious is a vault just waiting to be opened and explored. I’m one who enjoys experimenting with art and writing, it’s the only way I find I’m able to express myself efficiently. I’m too clumsy with words when I speak. I am hoping that with my blog, I will find the key to open the vault and unleash the answers I seek.
After attended a therapeutic programme for borderline personality disorder, I am starting to find my voice. I am now on the pathway to hopefully help and inspire others with mental health and chronic pain to find their voice and help break the stigma of living with these illnesses, as well as share my journey along the way.
If ever you find yourself strolling across this blog, please know that this is one of many I have tried to write. Many have been unsuccessful and my thoughts, well clearly dwindled and burnt out as I clearly had no energy to write anymore.
I’m a BPD fighter and a Fibromyalgia warrior. Along with a battle of Depression and Anxiety, I tend to these wars with my Hemicrania Continua – The piercing feelings in the left side of my head, a war of a constant headache, the pain level so fierce, it has come close to killing me more than my BPD irrational feelings.
So, yes. In a nutshell, I fight daily with mental and physical health. Not just daily… Minute by Minute, but actually Second by Second.
Sometimes I just have to check that I’m still breathing. My tattoo, “Breathe”, is a constant reminder of what I need to do. I’m falling apart and I need to find the strength to pick up the pieces which I’m leaving behind in every step, from every breath.
I always find myself questioning things, was my life ever normal? What is normal? Why do I seek perfection so much? Why am I so desperate to find it?
I’m a 30 year old female. Trapped inside the mind of a 12, 13, 15 and 17 year old. Sometimes 21, and sometimes 27. In fact, I’m sure that when I stare at myself in the mirror I see someone even older. Hey, it’s a known fact that every single time I catch a glimpse of my reflection I don’t recognise it. It always looks completely different.
So I guess you’re wondering, “but what’s your name?”, My name? Well, I’ve been called so many over the years. So many, I’ve even called myself. But for the point in this blog, I’ll introduce to you Erica, and you can decide what name you wish to call me.
The reason for this blog is because when I got out of a one year psycho social group based Therapeutic Community, for those with complex emotional needs associated with personality disorder, I felt I needed a space to continue learning about myself and writing down my thoughts and feelings. The therapies I experiences at the therapeutic community were – talking therapy, art therapy, a writing group, optional drama therapy and studio time. I then went on to an additional group for the leavers which runs for a further 18 months, although I didn’t complete this.
So, this is where I am. I have completed one of the most intense years of my life, and now feel completely abandoned, and overwhelmed. My life feels like it’s on pause.
So this blog is to track my journey into the World Unknown.
I’d hope to share my journey to recognise the trials and tribulations of one girls life with mental and physical health, and help you and others understand that nor I or you are alone in this world. (There are others!)
Oh, also… I must mention, I do go on a bit. Once my thoughts decide they want to talk, they do. The thoughts in my head are no shower… The thoughts they pour like heavy rain.
So if you have made it this far on my first post, then congratulations! And also, a kind warm hug as a thank you for being so interested!
I bid you farewell, until the next post…