In this moment, I have so many thoughts racing through my mind.
I’m trying to slow them down by distracting myself by doing things, such as playing with the cats and rabbits, making tea and listening to music. Yet, I can’t drown out the thoughts which pound at my mind, causing a stress induced headache.
I’m tired. I feel like I fight my thoughts all the time. There are times where I feel so optimistic about things, and then suddenly all it takes is one simple thing to really over complicate things. But then, is is really over complicating the situation, or is it only how I feel, or make it?
Maybe, maybe I’m so used to things being so confusing and fractured, that if something appears to be going well, I do what I can to create a flaw? I try and be in the moment. Focus on what is happening now. I have goals. I have dreams. Which mean that there has been some improvement. Although, admittedly, I do still doubt myself quite a lot. Things like – Will I be able to work as my own employer? Will I be able to cope with the paperwork? Will I be able to manage stress? What about getting sick? What about people finding things out about me? Etc, etc.
These “in the moment” times are often tainted with reminders of things which have happened. I try so hard to move forward, but when things change in life which will affect the rest of your life, how else are you supposed to deal with it? Especially these changes should be positive ones, but they only create more webs in your fractured mind.
I mean, I’m dealing with things so much better than I used to. But there are times where I realise I still need to deal with things. Some things which I was unable to discuss in therapy, or just didn’t have the time or confidence to speak up about. After all, speaking about some things in a group setting were so anxiety provoking, it was inevitable to feel judged, thus wanting to hold back on a few things. Until it was too late, you’d discharged and suddenly all these overwhelming thoughts flood your mind and you wonder how you’re going to get by.
I’m getting by, sure. But every now and again, I find moments of these niggling feelings inside me. I feel judged, I feel watched. I feel as though someone is out to get me, or something is going happen. Sure, they’re paranoid thoughts, and ultimately unrealistic, but at the end of the day – How do I cope with them?
Taking time out to focus on my breathing. Feeling my feet firmly on the ground. Listening to the environment around me. A cat snoring, a rabbit chewing something they shouldn’t be, the dishwasher on a turn, and the tapping of the keys on the laptop as I write this out… Along with the banging in my head and the heaviness in my eyes as I just want to fall asleep.
In this moment, I feel as though I wonder why I try… Why I bother with things? I often create scenerios which are likely to do me, or those around me, more damage than good.
I worry that those I’m try to fix wrong doings with, will judge me on my past, or see me as having “changed too much”, or that there’s simply no way to change things.
Sure, I can’t change what has happened, but I can at least try to make amends. And for that, I feel as though it should be respected, that those around me should at least try too.
Maybe I’m overthinking it, which is most likely the case… Maybe with some things, I need to move forward and not try to fix the wrong doings. Maybe that all happened for a reason. What reason, I don’t know? Toxic relationships, trying to find out about myself, after all if it wasn’t for all my “issues”, I doubt I’d have ended up in therapy.
Though, saying that – I’ll always have a personality disorder. It’s something I have to learn to manage. (So I keep being told)
I have such an image in my mind about everything being perfect. With a tattoo reading “Nobody’s Perfect”, I see it as a constant reminder to myself that there is no such thing as perfection. So, why do I seek it so bad? Where has this “perfect world” come from? Why have I created it in my mind, and try so hard to seek it in reality?
My dreams are far from perfect. My dreams are often so surreal and backward, that I haven’t a clue what they’re trying to represent. My fantasy land seems to be the only place which is safe, but it’s also a place which isn’t real, and I need to stop fighting for it. I need to stop looking for my fantasy to become a reality. I can’t change things and I certainly can’t predict the future.
I can shape who I am today, from today. I still battle immensely with my self identity, but knowing what my dream career is, that has given me something to hold on to.
It’s now convincing myself I have what it takes.
I need to stop wasting my life away.
I need to breathe.
I need to focus on what matters in the here and now, and not what I should be doing to try and change things for the sake of others.
This is my life. And I need to make it happen.
Thanks for reading.
Remember if you want to follow my shorter posts, I have a twitter account! In under 144 characters, Twitter allows us to create an online, open diary. Click here to add me: @ghostwithinme