I thought everything was getting better. At least, that’s what it’s meant to do, right?
I’ve had a few problems over the past couple of weeks, and whilst I’ve dealt with things relatively well, I still cannot change my thought process of anger, frustration, hurt and pain and repeating those life moments I’d rather forget, in my mind. I’ve been endlessly torturing myself with my thoughts and wondering how I get by each day. There’s been time where I’ve perhaps snapped at people, although my frustration and issues, I’d like to think don’t turn me into a complete bitch, I’m perhaps more blunt than usual, and struggle to see the other persons viewpoint, or even consider their own feelings. I thought I’d been managing that, and whilst I do incredibly well now, my own emotions and behaviour get the better of me at times of crisis – which I’m sure is to be expected when you have a personality disorder, but I know it doesn’t excuse my behaviour. Aside from my little tantrums of removing myself from group conversations and feeling irate with all my friends, I’m cautious not to push them away, and for me to repeat the same pattern I’ve been in before with reasons why people seemingly disown me for.
I’m hurting, but I don’t need to take it out on others. Nor do I need to take it out on myself. So by replaying memories in my head and thinking of the “what ifs” are torturing and doming more damage than good. It’s pointless.
I want to be happy, and whilst it may be hard in society these days to feel happy in our day to day lives without feeling scared, fearing if and when the next terror attack will be, because we all know it’s going to happen, I know that it is still possible to feel “happiness”, even if briefly!
I’ve wanted to see my care coordinator recently, and it’s so hard knowing I’m being discharged. I still haven’t received any information about the ‘Moving On’ group, I’m supposed to be attending. I gave in and called the offices to find out, but they obviously don’t have a clue either, so have had to email my care coordinator, even though she’s left but still in the services, to find out what’s happening. I don’t know how long I’m supposed to leave it but we’ll see how long I can tolerate before enough waiting is enough.
So, what’s been going on?
Mainly family stuff really. Whilst that’s not much of a change, I thought things were okay now. And then I’m hit with some news: My brother (the one who’s accused me of something, and has manipulated, bullied and beaten family members), is expecting a baby with his partner. I should be happy, but I’m not. Admittedly, there’s a bit of jealously, how someone so horrible and cruel can be given something so beautiful, and yet for me, a very maternal woman, have wanted a child since I can remember, but being in a same-sex relationship makes that quite complicated! I didn’t find out from him, I don’t talk to him. In fact, I hadn’t been giving him much thought since he completely ambushed me with ridiculous fantasist bullcrap. I’m not too sure whether I should congratulate him or not bother. I probably shouldn’t bother. After all, this will be a niece/nephew who will grow up believing their family hate them, or not know we exist. We’ll never get to see them because of where they live, so in reality, it’s just how the other half live. We just have to let them get on with it. Family move on, and whilst I’d like our family to be one big happy one, it’s not going to happen. Ever.
I’ve also struggled with my other brothers ex, and discussing with her the importance of my brother still being included in things to do with his child, even though he often avoids seeing her. He continues to be self destructive, and although he cares about her, apparently his mental health is no excuse. I beg to differ, but I can’t argue. I have the fear that I’ll be stopped seeing my niece, and she is so important to me.
I think these two issues alone are enough to complicate the mind and heart. I have one niece I love and adore, and another niece/nephew on the way, who might not know of my existence, and how am I supposed to acknowledge them? Do I just avoid it completely and deny the child their Aunty? It’s heartbreaking to think of this.
Then, I’m struggling physically, whilst I do my best to get by, I’m over doing things again… Another one of my self-torture things, where I can’t visible self-harm, but still cause myself the grief in making myself hurt. I do try and allow myself rest days, but if I’m spending more time in bed, I fall into depression and self-pity. I hate the phrase “I wish I was normal”, because there is no such thing. I wish I was “healthy”.
I’ve been testing myself recently with other things too, after holding a stall at our local Pride, I’d spoken to lots of people with my “work hat” on, and although I tried selling in the crowd, and couldn’t bring myself to speak up, at least I tried. I’d even spent some time talking to my own Aunty, who I hadn’t seen in just under a year, and whilst we play happy families, it is difficult because of what’s happened in the past. But whilst you try in those moments to forget, you also don’t mind the company, and miss what could have been. It’s difficult to know.
And then, only the other day I offered a few freebies to one of the girls who bullied me at school. After all it was quite a few years ago, and whilst bullying contributed to my mental health decline, I have to try and help myself by not letting them beat me. Y’know?
I’ve also been to the dentist 3 times in the past 3 weeks. First was to brave the 6monthly check-up, the second appointment was to have some new moulds made, and the third to collect my new mouth guards. My jaw is so tense, and I’m struggling to sleep or talk without the pain, due to the TMJ disorder/arthromyalgia. I didn’t realise how worn my other guards were until I tried out the new ones! I do wish that the steriod injection I had a couple of years back had actually helped me though!
There’s other things which run through my mind, but some things I need to think about how to phrase. Life is still complicated, and whilst I feel I can deal with things better, I am still struggling with how to manage. I’ll get there though because I’m going to beat what I can, and focus on doing what’s right for me… Even if there are a few knocks along the way!
I realise I may have gone off towards the end of this post. I’m writing with pain in my wrists, and this has taken so long to write out, and my thought process has been round and round and distracted.
Next time I’ll try again not to leave it so late before the next blog post.
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Until next time, take care everyone!