Possible triggers: Abuse, physical violence, alcoholism, self-harm, suidical ideation
I have a habit of getting myself in a situation where people blame me for something I’ve not actually done.
For some people it becomes a joke, so much so that I just play along with them now. And for others, they just say it without thinking about the way it makes me feel.
Growing up I’d get told off if I broke a glass or mirror. I was clumbsy, I won’t deny that, and I’m sure telling me off was just a way of trying to ask me to be careful, shouting at me isn’t going to make me feel any better. I’d feel guilty and feel bad for doing something wrong and yet it was an accident. Then, if something broke whilst I wasn’t even there, or something was moved from its original place, I would get the blame for it still!
I guess that is why I gave in and started taking the blame for things.
However, there has to be a line in which I take the blame. And this has become evident through recent events of been blamed for something so disgusting and abusive, which destroyed the way I felt about this person, and ultimately made me fear for my own safety, and not what they were capable ofr doing – but what I was capable of doing to myself.
The relationship was with my brother. I still can’t get over what he has accused me of. We were children when it was supposed to have happened, although, I’m apparently in my early teens (there’s two years between us) … He was extremely vile in the way he spoke and shouted to me, and I sat there barely able to fit a word in edgeways. I battled the tears, determined to not let him win. And it wasn’t until I was out of his sight, that I broke down.
I’d been able to speak to our parents about this, and since then, there’s been no mention of it. And there won’t be. My brother has gone home (overseas), and I have decided that even though I’d hoped for our relationship to get back on track after years of domestic violence and his alcoholic outbursts (and yes, he had been drinking on this night too), that I had to cut myself off from him. I’ve been mourning the loss, but I know that it will make me a stronger and better person.
I was afraid. But now, I am not.
I have taken a stand and I will not be accused of something I didn’t do. I will not let him get the better of me, and I will fight my every corner to show him that I don’t need this sort of manipulative behaviour in my life.
The words may have scarred me internally, but I was strong enough to not beat myself up over such a thing. I was so scared of my actions, but I was able to control myself, which I think goes to show how far I have come since leaving the therapeutic community. Sure, I still have the thoughts of self harm, and I may do it unintentionally (a way that I wouldn’t consider it to be, but others do), but I haven’t acted on the thoughts.
I have ended up on a medication which has steadied my thoughts and although I wanted to reduce my medication, I now realise that I need to be on it to help me live. At least for now.
And that is not a problem. It does not make me weak. It makes me strong for wanting to carry on.
To be accused of something you didn’t do can be life changing. And unfortunately, my brother should have learned from this after havign spent months in prison for something he was accused of, which also turned out to be false claims, and the evidence was there (just found late….!)
I have learned that trying to pass the blame onto someone else when they didn’t do anything is not healthy, for both parties. It means that the person who didn’t do it suffers, and the person who makes the accusation has to live with their lies.
I am always blamed for things, including the loss of friendships or the breakdown of friendship circles. But over the past couple of months, I’ve come to realise that none of it was my fault. I have been true to myself throughout, and I have been open and honest about everything, and there may be some people who disagree with me, and they may choose to take that as a criticism, but that is then their weakness. We all need to be accepting of each others thoughts and feelings. I admit that I am still learning to accept that I challenge the way other people do certain things, and how I may feel as though there is only one way, and no other way, but I’m learning to accept that it’s okay if people do things differently. I just don’t accuse them of being wrong! I on the other hand have been lead to believe I am in the wrong, when that is not the case.
There is always an opening for an opinion, but that doesn’t make anyones opinions invalid, whether it’s right or wrong. (And I speak knowing a couple of ex-friends feel this way towards me…!)
I’m going to fight for my right to be accepted and to not be blamed for all the wrong doings of other people.
Jeez, I hope this makes sense. Unfortnately, the thoughts of my brothers issue does distract me, but I know I will not let him win. I will not let the bullies control me any more.