On Tuesday, I had a mixed emotions day… One of those days where you go from high to lo and back again!
I woke up earlier than usual, so much so that I could hear the birds starting to wake up. The street lights were still on and there was stillness in the air.
Lauren says it was because I was excited… Excited about going to view a property we have been offered. I wasn’t convinced it was the reason, but I decided to nod, and go along with it.
I went to my session with my care co-ordinator, who asked me how I would like to manage the session. I sat there anxious, not knowing what to say. I said that it seems so much happens, you just don’t know where to start…
And then proceeded to discuss the issues involving my brother being in the newspaper after he’d done something stupid, and how it made me feel. It wasn’t so much what he’d done, but what the article had said. To state he has used drugs, and named them, but also to state he has mental health issues, it then stated the street he is currently residing it. What a way to make someone with mental health more paranoid! It made me worry. But fortunately he seemed to be okay… At least, that’s how it seems.
I mentioned about the fact we’d been offered a property, which would change our lives… So it is a big step for us and a massive decision. If we didn’t take the property, it would mean we’d have one more shot at bidding on a property on the housing register, and if we didn’t like that place, we could be removed from the list and would have to start over again. So it was a big decision to make. (I will discuss later in this post).
After finally finding some conversation, I fell to a blank. Of which my care co-ordinator then took the opportunity to throw me a bombshell. She is leaving. Oh heck. I didn’t know whether to cry or congratulate her. So I did both. The vulnerability I suddenly felt with being lost in the mental health services, losing someone who has got to know me over 6 years, to then be possibly passed onto someone I’ve never met, and to start all over again… And then the next bombshell hit me. She wants to look at discharging me. It’s just being “thought of” at the moment, but she thinks that I’m ready to try living without the mental health services, but Lauren and I think otherwise. Lauren believes I should be in some sort of talking therapy. I discuessed my concerns, and how I still felt towards myself and things, and although I may handle some things a lot better, some things I still struggle with, say with friendships, self-esteem, trust, and just confidence! I wear a mask every day. Always changing these masks, that I don’t know who I am. I say I know what I want to do, but I don’t have any belief in me actually succeeding. I could get a distinction for every lesson I do, and still feel as though I could do better. I could do anything and still see the flaws. I am my own worst critic, and I cannot cut myself some slack. And I need to know why that is. She proceeded to show me some DBT sheets, which I’ve posted below. (If you click on them they’ll open up so you can actually read them!) They’re from a book I want to get called DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets by Marsha M Linehan.
She asked me to read them, and as I read it out loud, I started to cry. Tired and emotional, I wanted to believe what I was reading because I know it’s true, I just can’t believe it in myself.
The session ended and we made the next appointment, which I am anxious will be my last.
I’m not too sure what is going to happen now. I feel like I’m drowing in the abyss, and I’m going to find myself continously falling until I know for sure what’s happening.
A couple of hours after the appointment, of telling Lauren the shock news and her asking if I was okay, I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel. We were about to look at the new place which could change our lives.
My Dad met us there, and as we waited for the housing officer, we nosied round the property and tried to see the pros of living there. When the housing officer arrived, we were able to look inside. We stepped in, and although the place was still being painted and worked on, you could see how spacious the place was. It’s a two bed ground floor flat, with a wet room.
We knew we would be on the register for so long if we were to wait for a bungalow, and they seemed to be only offered to the 55+. We had tried a couple of times to do a mutal exchange and both times failed, one – because it wasn’t considered suitable accomodation for me, and the other- because it was for over 55 with disability, even though it was the perfect place.
Still, we continued to bid, and ended up being offered this property. Lauren and I had been to peek through the windows, and had slowly watched it “come together” after the workmen destroyed it all. As I said above, if we didn’t accept this property, we would only get one more chance of a place, and then be removed from the register, so looking inside and seeing what we could do to the place was crucial.
There was still a fair bit of rubble about, and the walls and doors had been freshly painted. The previous tenants were smokers, and that was evident by the smoke stained glass, and yellowing in the bathroom.
The rooms are larger than what we currently have, and having the extra room for me to rest, or get away from Lauren when she needs to sleep and I’m either having a bout of insomnia, in pain, or suffering from endless spasms. The wet room makes an easy access for me, as I’ve bee struggling to get over the bath for some time now. I have a bath bench, but that doesn’t make it any easier when trying to get out. It will be a big change, for both of us. The kitchen seems small, but it’s not that bad. The front room seems habitable for us and the furbabies, along with the main bedroom. We seemed fairly happy with the place, but we wouldn’t preferred some time to measure things up, and yet we felt pushed to make a decision on the property.
So…. Needless to say, we accepted!
We signed the paper, without putting a date on, as we’ve yet to receive the keys, but it looks like it’s definitely going ahead. Yay!
This is going to be stressful and exhausting, but also exciting and scary. This is a place which is suitable for my needs, that we are likely to be here for many, many years.
Now though, I’m stressing about the finanical situation we’re in and wanting to try to find a way to make some funds for carpet – at least!
We’re on holiday next week and although we have started packing, we still have so much to sort out.
I’m trying to not get too worked up about things because I want to be able to have a stress-free break next week… I’m sure that upon my return the anxiety and stress will soon return though!
That’s all for now. Bad news vs. Good news.
Both filled with worry and nerves!