Goodbye Grandpa

Where do I start?

If you follow me on Twitter, you’d have see my post about my Grandpa.

My Grandpa passed away last week. 1.15am Tuesday 24th January, at 88 years old.

It’s a devastating blow for the family, and although we have all had some time to grieve whilst he was in hospital and in the nursing home, albeit for a few days, knowing he only had so long left, it’s still a stab in the heart.

I know that all families have their imperfections and their issues, but for some reason ours just seems to want to go beyond all that and twist and turn on every moment, and every issue.

It’s made the arrangements  for the funeral complicated and also heartbreaking. We should all be coming together to celebrate a life, and to say our final farewells, but there’s an anxiety that something will “kick off”. I feel as though I need to spend the day with tape over my mouth just so I know that if anything happens, I won’t be the “reason” for anything happening.

I mean, it all concerns how one of my brothers “may” behave on the day. He has anger issues, and a real problem with my Mum and I. The last time I saw him, I said “Hello”, and he told me to “F*** off”, such the gentleman! Even if we were to not say anything at all, he gets riled up, and puts everyone on edge…

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in therapy, it’s that I am NOT responsible for anyones actions. However, the fact my Dad has threatened that if anything does happen at the funeral, that he will disown whoever causes the upset, causes a massive anxiety strain on how we will all feel on the day. It will be a day of treading on eggshells as well as dealing with grief!

There’s a divide in the family and this really upsets me because I would love for us to all get on. I would love Grandpas legacy to be that he has brought the family back together again, and that the past can be in the past and we all focus on the present and how fortunate we all are to actually have one another despite all the rubbish we’ve been through.

My head is full of chaos. I’ll be back soon.