Carrie Fisher was an amazing woman both onscreen and off-screen. She was a huge inspiration to not just me but millions of people around the world. I was so saddened and devastated by her death and here are 10 amazing quotes to remember her by: For more quotes click here For more inspirational posts click […]
I’ve been wanting to post for a while now. In fact, I wanted to write before Christmas, but for anyone, let alone having a mental illness, it’s a chaotic stressful time of year! And that of course meant, that I didn’t get round to writing anything, just thinking about things and wishing I were able to pen down my thoughts!
At the beginning of December, Lauren (my wife) and I went on holiday to Cape Verde to celebrate our 10 years together, and 2nd year wedding anniversary. We had a really lovely time, and I managed to hold it all together emotionally, although there was only one account of me getting emotional and had a little cry ,and then of course, I thought the heat would help my fibro, but it turns out that if you go quad biking, your body will hate you after (I was only the pillion rider as well!). I spent the day after barely able to walk, and over indulged on the all-inclusive alcohol to forget about the pain!
After the holiday, we return to the UK, and struggle to adapt to the temperature. From 30ºC to 9ºC was a big difference, and my body was seizing up at any given opportunity. The day after my return, I was set to sing with the choir I’m a part of, outside a shop to raise money for charity, by singing Christmas carols. I went along wrapped up, and felt so embarrassed, but tried to let it go and enjoy myself. It was certainly a new experience for me, and for the other few members who turned up!
That day we noticed that something wasn’t right with my guinea pig. Despite him being old, he was still giving it all the fight he had left in him, but struggling to move his back legs. We tried to make him comfortable as possible, and then the next day, despite having lots of family plans, we took him to the vets, where he was put to sleep, and hopefully out of pain. It was so hard. I had to hold onto what the receptionist said to me, which was “I think you’re doing a lovely thing”, because we were putting him out of pain, which is something we should be grateful for, as humans very rarely have the opportunity to end suffering like this. It was difficult because only a few months before I’d said goodbye to my baby bunny Frank, and with it being so close to Christmas, everything felt like it was beginning to fall apart.
I’ve been struggling, and I think I’ve been too stubborn to admit it, but mostly since returning back from the holiday. It could be due to the weather, but also this time of year, winter, is always particularly hard, and I have no idea why. I guess it’s time of year when I wish everyone was still together, that the entire family could be happy, instead of playing pretend, or having little debates or arguments. Everyone seems so indecisive, and I get stressed out at the lack of decision making, even though I too often find this hard to do!
Then there’s the fact that I found out that my Grandpa is in hospital. He has dementia, alzheimer’s and prostate cancer, and he’s in a home, at least, he was until he’s ended up with a kidney infection, and in hospital. The worry is that he won’t recover… He’s poorly. Very poorly.
And then I feel guilt, because I’ve not actually seen him for years. And now I don’t know what to do. I keep asking myself what I should do, and with everyone around me saying not to see him, I can’t help but think that I should. I don’t know. I just don’t want to live with regret, and that’s something I feel a lot of.
There’s so much more I’ve wanted to write here, but I’ve struggled today as I’m getting distracted by everything else around me. I’m having a bit of an identity crisis, and looking at surgery options, eurgh. I think I need a break from the internet today!
I’ll be back again soon…!