An Open Letter

Thank you Life after BPD for sharing this.

I can’t agree more with what you say along with Debbie over at Healing from BPD.

I think that everyone in my life needs to read this.

xXx

 

My eternal thanks go to Debbie at Healing from BPD for this letter. She has written down exactly how I feel, in a way I couldn’t possibly have been articulate enough to manage. She knocks the nail …

Source: An Open Letter

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Ch-ch-ch-changes!

Hey everyone!

I hope you’re all overcoming your Easter Bank Holiday sugar rush 😉

So, today I woke up feeling fine and dandy, and for some reason couldn’t keep it together when I attended Leavers group today. I didn’t want to talk. It was the last day for the couple of people I seemed to have clashed with, and I didn’t want to ruin it for them. Though, I may have done that just by being there. Hmm, I don’t know. Anyway, I welled up saying I was okay, and I was going to sit back and listen today (the voice of “You’re going to upset and/or offend everyone” probably kicked in) as I thought I’d let the two leaving have the chance to discuss how they were feeling. In the end, I started crying out that I didn’t want to attend anymore, that I didn’t feel like I wanted to be there, I only went because of my care co-ordinator, I didn’t like one of the therapists at the moment, and that I was fine.

So why the tears? Being pushed into talking when I don’t want to talk can set me off. I didn’t feel as though I had anything say. With life, you just have to get on with things, right? That’s what I’ve been doing. There’s been a couple of times during the past week which have made me want to cry, but I’ve held back, and although I have got stressed and agitated, I have held it together.

I have a few current anxieties in my head, but nothing which won’t be resolved soon. One involves waiting for some results to come through the post, and it’s now been over 2 weeks since I should have had them. I know our post is rubbish, but I’ve phoned up places and there’s no update on the results there either. I’m not telling myself it’s bad news, but it doesn’t help when they’re late!

Also, the holiday I have booked with my wife and our friends is finally booked up, paid for and only 59 days away! I’m looking at my body and thinking – ugh, just great. My lack of confidence is going to show, and I am determined to beat it by trying to feel comfortable in my own skin for once, even if I have gained a few extra pounds and I’m really not “feeling it” at the mo. I can do this, because I want to enjoy myself. We have some amazing activities booked, and I will be suffering throughout the week, so painkillers and muscle relaxants will be a must have, but just because I have a pain disorder shouldn’t mean I can’t allow myself to have fun. I just have to pay for it and hopefully rest at any given opportunity!

The next thing is, I will no longer be seeing my employment support worker. Thanks to the mental health budget cuts, the company I am under are being cut by 74% and having to “get rid” of everyone not seeking full time employment. Yes, that’s right. They can now only focus on those of us with mental health who are looking at going into FULL TIME employment! Who on earth could cope with that? I know I certainly couldn’t! It’s frustrating because the guy I was seeing was helping me focus on my coursework, and I’d been doing so well. It also meant I got out of the house, because we would meet in a social environment, such as the library or a coffee shop. I’m gutted. Our last meeting was last week, and he helped me with a bit of my coursework, and also advised me on voluntary work. I’m looking at doing some volunteering to get back out there and socialise, start to feel “me” again. Though, it’s a scary process, and I won’t have his support, but he has said for a while that I can continue to email him, so I have to think that is not the be all and end all. I have my care co-ordinator and I will be asking her for more support outside so I can try and get out more.

Talking of getting out more, perhaps I will do when my friend starts university this September! I’m really pleased and happy for my friend who has so much drive to go back into education, full time after completing the therapeutic community. It just shows how far she has come, and for that I am so incredibly proud of her and what she has achieved so far. Maybe when she’s studying, we can study together?!

Als, another thing which has changed is this blooming support group I was part of, for depression and anxiety. I have made the decision to leave the group as it’s not the right time for me, plus after the countless emails I’ve read through with not so much a conflict, but a difference of opinion, I believe it is currently within my best interest to leave. I will be doing a couple of talks in a couple of months though, so they won’t see the last of me. I want to be a part of it still in some way, as I really see the potential (I think I’ve mentioned that before), but for the time being, whilst I am still working on my coursework, and have the other two courses to do, plus the therapeutic community, I need to start calming things down again as it’s got a bit hectic for me to manage!

I mean, this is life. It’s chaotic. It’s crazy. It’s a mess. But I don’t think I could live it any other way. For example, I got to see my niece this weekend at Easter. It was lovely. It also meant spending time with my family. Perhaps not all family members, but those around, was nice company. We all seemed to be getting on well, and although we were all shattered, after the clocks going forward an hour and losing an hours sleep, we all did remarkably well!

My life has always been non-stop since I can remember. There’s always something going on. Except for when people ask me about me, and how I am, then there’s nothing going on.

It’s that everything is going on around me, and the things I do are just things. They don’t equate to my feelings or who I am, do they? If someone asks how I am, and I say I’m okay, but I’m studying, how boring does that sound? I feel I’m generally “okay”, but now I am wondering what that feeling actually means.

I’m just getting by, and I have my anxieties which aren’t much to talk about (??!) And I want to feel happy, relaxed, peaceful and pain-free. I’d like to say I’m happy, I know I can be… But relaxed, peaceful and pain-free are different matters, and at this moment in time, not possible.

Do you know what I mean?

On that note… Perhaps I need to start making some positive changes in my life.

I’ll say good bye for now. I best do some work this afternoon so I feel like I’ve actually achieved something today.

Speak soon!

Erica

 

Making a mistake?

Hey all,

Do you ever feel as though you’ve been making a mistake? Or have just made a mistake?

I’ve felt this way for the past few weeks, but even more so today. I’ve just sent an e-mail to someone, and although I got my wife to check it over first (I can get a bit hasty in them), I still feel as though I have made the mistake in sending it.

It should be okay though, right? There’s a part of me which says “yes”, but the other is screaming out “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!”

Okay, so maybe I need to backtrack a little to explain what the e-mail is about:
I attend a local self-help support group, but it appears I may have a completely different view as to how a se;f-help group should run. I also feel quite intimidated (on some occasions), patronised (on most occasions) and frustrated (all the time) by the group facilitator. So, why do I go? Well, I see potential in the group. I just find it frustrating when we go over the same things, and it’s like being at school and having to do “homework”. I wanted a group

I’m using “dictation” to write this…

Hey everyone!

So, I’m trying a new way of writing my blog.

I am using dictation to write down my thoughts inside my head. It’s been a crazy few weeks and I guess I have been struggling a bit but not wanting to admit it.

I lay there at night thinking about this, that and the other, knowing I should be writing it down in a blog post.

Because it’s been so long I’m not too sure let’s start so just going to say how is now. I haven’t attended Leavers Group for a while now. Well actually, it’s only  been two weeks, but feels like forever. It would though as it’s only two hours for one day, during the week. When I was there, I ended up getting restless and vocal with a couple other patient. This led to one of them storming out and acting irrationally, and I was being told I was being provoking, even though it was not my intentions, and I was only expressing my own feelings about what I saw and felt about these people who had limited time left in the group. I wondered what changes they’d made throughout their therapeutic journey, as I couldn’t see a change. In the end I thought it was in their best interest, that I remove myself from group, for the rest of their duration left in the Community.

This meant, I lost out on my own therapy because I have been unable to talk about the things which have been bothering me. I would say that my life is quite normal often dull, but when I start talking about everything which is going on in my life and round me it’s actually quite chaotic, messy, depressing, frustrating, and hard. I put on front and say I’m okay, because I’m learning that with most situations I am unable to control them. I need to learn to focus on my life and make my well the happy place I wanted to be.

My wife has gone back to work today, after having several weeks signed off sick. I hate the fact that I sit at home most days, attempting to do my coursework,  and she is at work feeling drained and exhausted, which is bringing her down. Some days I feel like I’m not doing anything, and feel completely useless. I often wonder why she’s with me. I feel sad, that she has to go to work to provide for us. I feel guilty that she’s having to go to work to provide for me. I feel as though I should be working, even though I know I wouldn’t be able to cope with it right now. My wife has been looking for a new job. And although she has been successful in getting some interviews, unfortunately they have all been unsuccessful. Her employers are so inflexible and even though she is my carer, she often has to take days off as leave requests/holiday, just so she can attend appointments with me (which are often only an hour long). She requested a flexible working due to being a carer, but they have denied the request and she will have to appeal the decision and continue to look for a new job which will allow the flexibility.  She has gone back to work on reduced hours, suggested by the GP. I know it’s affecting her mentally and physically because she’s not one to show emotions and she has been getting teary and depressed to the point where the GP has prescribed her with medication. She’s also exhausted from working so many hours and having to care for me. This is the last thing we both wanted. I’m praying something comes up soon because I can’t live with the guilt of not working when I know she is so desperate to find something else which she is happy with and where we can both manage her work and my appointments.

We’ve also been looking at moving, which has been quite stressful too. Especially when you’re in place you can no longer call “Home”. I’ve been finding it so difficult, and it’s so uncomfortable here, and my paranoia is increasing, that I just don’t feel safe. We’ve sent off all the necessary stuff for housing, and we’ve been placed in a “band”, but because we have certain requirements for my health needs, we needed to send off evidence. I’ve sent a letter from my GP and employment support worker, and waiting on a letter from my care co-ordinator. We had to attend a Housing Needs Assessment too, yesterday, and for 2 hours we discussed my health issues and issues with our current housing, and it was the when I realised how much my health impacts my daily living. I’m 28 years old and have the life of an elderly woman. How is this fair?! We are hoping in the next few weeks, we’ll hear something and our “band” can be changed.

Mothers Day was at the weekend. It fell on my Dads birthday. I didn’t see my Dad but we sent him a humorous card from Moonpig. It was a funny one with a cat on it. We enclosed a gift card too so he could treat himself! Instead my Wife and I cooked my Mum and sister a lovely vegan chickpea and spinach curry. Although, I am vegetarian, and my wife loves meat, this dinner has become one of our favourites! I have been drawing a lot more at home, so I drew my Mum a picture with all her favourite things on it, and although she loved the drawing, her first comment was “A rabbit?” Fortunately, my wife was quick to respond with “yes, it’s to remind you who it’s from!” Phew!

I’m going to finish up here for now because I have since given up using the dictation (I think that will take some getting used to), but I have to go out to meet my employment support worker, who kindly sits with me whilst I study. I feel as though if I have someone with me, I feel more “able” to do the work, rather than finding distractions.

I’ll try and be back sooner rather than later, next time round. I notice I don’t post half as much as I used to.

If you’re reading this and you have any ideas about what you’d want to hear more about, please let me know! You can reply to this post or send me an email at theghostwithinme@outlook.com

Also, don’t forget you can follow me on Twitter too 🙂

Speak soon!

Erica

Why Do I Self-Harm? : Self Harm Awareness Day 2016

This pretty much sums it up for me too!

Mental Illness Talk

I began cutting myself when I was 12 years old. At the time I was struggling with life. Friendships were difficult. Perfectionism was crippling and I just hated myself. I hated what I saw in the mirror. I hated the words that left my mouth. I didn’t want to die then but I didn’t want to be me either.

Cutting became my way of coping and I would do it several times a day. It became my answer to everything. If I had an argument with someone, or if the bullies shouted stuff at me then I’d cut myself in the toilets. It was my private thing and it stopped me from bursting into tears all of the time. I began to cry in blood instead behind a locked door and I hid the evidence under my navy sleeves.

I can understand why people struggle to get their head around…

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