I hope you’re all overcoming your Easter Bank Holiday sugar rush 😉
So, today I woke up feeling fine and dandy, and for some reason couldn’t keep it together when I attended Leavers group today. I didn’t want to talk. It was the last day for the couple of people I seemed to have clashed with, and I didn’t want to ruin it for them. Though, I may have done that just by being there. Hmm, I don’t know. Anyway, I welled up saying I was okay, and I was going to sit back and listen today (the voice of “You’re going to upset and/or offend everyone” probably kicked in) as I thought I’d let the two leaving have the chance to discuss how they were feeling. In the end, I started crying out that I didn’t want to attend anymore, that I didn’t feel like I wanted to be there, I only went because of my care co-ordinator, I didn’t like one of the therapists at the moment, and that I was fine.
So why the tears? Being pushed into talking when I don’t want to talk can set me off. I didn’t feel as though I had anything say. With life, you just have to get on with things, right? That’s what I’ve been doing. There’s been a couple of times during the past week which have made me want to cry, but I’ve held back, and although I have got stressed and agitated, I have held it together.
I have a few current anxieties in my head, but nothing which won’t be resolved soon. One involves waiting for some results to come through the post, and it’s now been over 2 weeks since I should have had them. I know our post is rubbish, but I’ve phoned up places and there’s no update on the results there either. I’m not telling myself it’s bad news, but it doesn’t help when they’re late!
Also, the holiday I have booked with my wife and our friends is finally booked up, paid for and only 59 days away! I’m looking at my body and thinking – ugh, just great. My lack of confidence is going to show, and I am determined to beat it by trying to feel comfortable in my own skin for once, even if I have gained a few extra pounds and I’m really not “feeling it” at the mo. I can do this, because I want to enjoy myself. We have some amazing activities booked, and I will be suffering throughout the week, so painkillers and muscle relaxants will be a must have, but just because I have a pain disorder shouldn’t mean I can’t allow myself to have fun. I just have to pay for it and hopefully rest at any given opportunity!
The next thing is, I will no longer be seeing my employment support worker. Thanks to the mental health budget cuts, the company I am under are being cut by 74% and having to “get rid” of everyone not seeking full time employment. Yes, that’s right. They can now only focus on those of us with mental health who are looking at going into FULL TIME employment! Who on earth could cope with that? I know I certainly couldn’t! It’s frustrating because the guy I was seeing was helping me focus on my coursework, and I’d been doing so well. It also meant I got out of the house, because we would meet in a social environment, such as the library or a coffee shop. I’m gutted. Our last meeting was last week, and he helped me with a bit of my coursework, and also advised me on voluntary work. I’m looking at doing some volunteering to get back out there and socialise, start to feel “me” again. Though, it’s a scary process, and I won’t have his support, but he has said for a while that I can continue to email him, so I have to think that is not the be all and end all. I have my care co-ordinator and I will be asking her for more support outside so I can try and get out more.
Talking of getting out more, perhaps I will do when my friend starts university this September! I’m really pleased and happy for my friend who has so much drive to go back into education, full time after completing the therapeutic community. It just shows how far she has come, and for that I am so incredibly proud of her and what she has achieved so far. Maybe when she’s studying, we can study together?!
Als, another thing which has changed is this blooming support group I was part of, for depression and anxiety. I have made the decision to leave the group as it’s not the right time for me, plus after the countless emails I’ve read through with not so much a conflict, but a difference of opinion, I believe it is currently within my best interest to leave. I will be doing a couple of talks in a couple of months though, so they won’t see the last of me. I want to be a part of it still in some way, as I really see the potential (I think I’ve mentioned that before), but for the time being, whilst I am still working on my coursework, and have the other two courses to do, plus the therapeutic community, I need to start calming things down again as it’s got a bit hectic for me to manage!
I mean, this is life. It’s chaotic. It’s crazy. It’s a mess. But I don’t think I could live it any other way. For example, I got to see my niece this weekend at Easter. It was lovely. It also meant spending time with my family. Perhaps not all family members, but those around, was nice company. We all seemed to be getting on well, and although we were all shattered, after the clocks going forward an hour and losing an hours sleep, we all did remarkably well!
My life has always been non-stop since I can remember. There’s always something going on. Except for when people ask me about me, and how I am, then there’s nothing going on.
It’s that everything is going on around me, and the things I do are just things. They don’t equate to my feelings or who I am, do they? If someone asks how I am, and I say I’m okay, but I’m studying, how boring does that sound? I feel I’m generally “okay”, but now I am wondering what that feeling actually means.
I’m just getting by, and I have my anxieties which aren’t much to talk about (??!) And I want to feel happy, relaxed, peaceful and pain-free. I’d like to say I’m happy, I know I can be… But relaxed, peaceful and pain-free are different matters, and at this moment in time, not possible.
Do you know what I mean?
On that note… Perhaps I need to start making some positive changes in my life.
I’ll say good bye for now. I best do some work this afternoon so I feel like I’ve actually achieved something today.