Jumbled Up Thoughts

Hey Everyone,

Once again my lack of writing means I’ve ended up with the countless thoughts and feelings all bottled up inside. I think that I’m starting to withdraw from everyone and everything around me so I don’t end up hurting myself or others. Does that seem a little crazy?

I apologise now for the jumbled up thoughts I’m about to express and get off my mind.

The past few weeks have been up and down. I’ve got to a point where I “just get on with it”, almost not giving myself a chance to think things through or even touch on the feelings. Sometimes my feelings have been confused, numb and distant. I’ve to known how to deal with situations and hope that the emptiness will pass. Instead though, I am left with the feeling of betrayal, shame and guilt. There are of course times of happiness and feelings of gratefulness. Something I am trying so hard to work towards. I am grateful for my life, and the challenges thrown at it are just chapters I need to work through to come out the other side. I can do this. And I know it.

Not that long ago, I bumped into an old friend of mine. Since me leaving Facebook and creating a new profile for only limited friends, we only have contact via Twitter. If ever one of us can be bother to contact the other that is. She’s the “ex-friend” I have referred to before in previous posts, where we held an unhealthy relationship and it seemed to be quite competitive. Not good for either of us. We’d got to a point where we would get on with our lives and all would be well. But what do you do when you unexpectedly bump into someone and make eye contact? You can’t just walk away, so you engage in an awkward friendly hello. Smalltalk is impossible. I felt like a complete idiot. I was on my own, holding a basket which was almost tipping over due to the fact I was also holding a bale of hay in the same hand as I walked awkwardly with my walking stick, towards the end of an isle, and the friend with her sister and Mum walk into the isle I’m coming out off. We met with this awkward silence, then a shy “Hi”, followed by a “how are you?”, only for me to be met with the story of her being ill, I could only relate by saying my friend had too been severely ill, and shortly after we said our goodbyes, I walked away thinking of all the other things I could have said and shouldn’t have said. One being, I wished I’d have said to her I hope she felt better soon, you know – it would’ve been polite! So of course, I took to Twitter to send the message… It’s been ignored, not that I’m too bothered. I just knew I had to do it for my own peace of mind. Still, that day made me realise how we are both miles apart from each other now, and although there are times I wish the friendship was still there, I am now able to accept that times have changed and we have grown apart.

A while back I also mentioned about my wife and I going on our honeymoon, minimoon – a short break away… We had a really nice weekend away. Whilst away we minimised our usage online and I noticed I’d received a friend request from another friend who was my best friend growing up throughout secondary school. We’ve grown distant due to the both of us having our own illnesses, and although you’d think it would bring us together it has made it harder for us to see each other and keep in touch. I left the request for about a week before accepting, after a discussion with my Mum about why I felt as thought i couldn’t accept, and why I felt I should. In the end, we know that we’ll be there for each other whatever the circumstances. After accepting the friend request, we had a brief conversation but nothing has been said since. I keep wanting to see my friend, but as usual – illness gets in the way!

Our weekend away was so great, we decided to book another break  this time with some friends. These are amazing friends I’ve met at therapy. As much as the therapists are reluctant for service users to engage in friendships outside of the community, we have all shown how we challenge each other and work with each other in therapy and out of therapy. We’re going in May this year, and as much as I am excited about it, I am just as nervous. It will be a real test to all our friendships. Early into my wife and I’s relationship, we went away with some friends and it was a disaster, so we have our reasons to be hesitant. However, we all get on and we all have different activities booked, and with these breaks away from each other we should be okay! I’m also anxious about us being in swimwear. We’re all body conscious, and I still can’t get it out of my head that I need to lose weight, tone up and generally get in better shape. Still, I know that with the others feeling the exact same way, there’s a part of me who thinks “Why am I worrying too much?” At the end of the day, we’re all only human. We know we have our issues so let’s just embrace each other and allow ourselves to have fun and not worry. Ha! It’s easier said than done, I know…

3 and a half weeks ago, I had an MRI on my shoulder. I am still waiting on the outcome. My shoulder has been causing me so much grief, I just hope the results come back soon and that something can be done to ease the pain. I had a PIP assessment a week ago, and I’ve got to wait several weeks for the outcome of that too. It was early in the morning, my body hadn’t woken up and neither had my brain. I had a hot flush during the meeting and required a drink of water. It wasn’t very nice. It was probably anxiety as well as the weird temperature of the room. I feel as though life is all about waiting for results… All the time!

We have recently applied for new housing. I’ve been sleeping a lot on the sofa due to insomnia and keeping my wife awake. This isn’t good for my own mental and physical health. My wife is currently signed off sick due to her own low mood and is finding it difficult to look after me and work. We are having issues with a neighbour which is making  living at home very uncomfortable and I’m anxious to leave the house if I can hear them out in the hallway or outside. I am afraid of conflict and the confrontation of them. It’s not nice when you can’t enjoy where you live anymore.

I have some good news – I am exactly half way through my course on Animal Behaviour now. I received the grade for the unit 3, and received a distinction grade. I was very surprised as I was not expecting it. This means I now have 3 more chapters until I finish the course completely. I still find myself with lack of motivation, but I am hoping to crack on with the coursework as I know I am so close now to finishing. Fingers crossed it won’t take too long!

Other good news was that my wife passed her driving test – FIRST TIME! I was so jealous. She received one less minor than me, but I failed the first time and passed second time round. Although jealous, I am also incredibly proud!

I’ve been having some emotional difficulties with my family – I’ve been trying very hard not getting involved. It will probably require a separate blog post to go into detail, but it lead to me not attending therapy on Tuesday just gone. I couldn’t do it. I was exhausted after a day break to Paris with my Wife at the weekend anyway, but along with emotional stress and exhaustion, I just couldn’t go in. I fortunately had am eating with my care co-ordinator on Wednesday, and despite my throat being red raw and painful, I was able to talk about the issues. I’ve since developed a rotten cold, and I’m trying to not moan, and not use my energy as I need the energy to recover.

Having Fibromyalgia and a cold feels like you’ve been hit by a bus (not that I know what that feels like, but I can only imagine). I want to say it’s like flu, a weak body, feeling bruised and tender. My glands are up and my neck and shoulder muscles are so tense and sore, aggravating the pain. My sinuses don’t help with the headaches and I feel as though the gammacore isn’t working to it’s fullest as it only pulls on the muscles in my neck.

I am hoping to be well within the next couple of days as I have a plan to go out and study on Monday, and I won’t be able to if I’m not well enough.

Oh, Lent started this month. What did you give up? I gave up Facebook. Yes, the devil. And I have been loving it. I let my friends and family know in advance and if they wanted to contact me to find me on Twitter, email or phone. Of course no-one has contacted me, well only 2 people… How loved am I?!

It means I’m not too worried about returning to Facebook. I’m not “addicted” to it. Not like I used to be anyway. Woohoo!

I’m going to leave this here today as my fingers are now hurting to type. I’m looking forward to the return of Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway, and of course my favourite Casualty is on tonight. I’m off to warm up and rest and enjoy my evening.

Take care and I will hopefully not leave it too long, and be back soon!

Erica xx

 

 

 

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A Sonnet

Hi everyone,

I’ve still got a lot going on but still can’t find the exact words to update you all. Hopefully in the next few days I’ll be able to share some thoughts with you. For now though, I’m going to share with you a sonnet I wrote whilst at school. We’re going back many years now. Everyone studies Shakespeare at some point, right? Well, I loved the challenge of writing a Sonnet. Of course, with my brain it was going to be a dark macabre themed sonnet. The only way I knew how to let my thoughts and feelings out!

Triggers: self-harm, self-infliction, pain, suffering, hatred towards oneself

Enjoy!

Don’t Be Forgiving – Sonnet

Don’t be forgiving, I’ve told many lies
I deserve to be punished for my sin
Do what you wish, I deserve a surprise
Beat me with sticks; it’s a place to begin
Throw stones at my body, ‘til you see blood
Dig glass in my throat and my broken wrists
Smash in my legs, so I fall with a thud
Punch me so hard; bruise me with your clenched fists
Pour water in my ears, so I can’t hear
Scrape my eyes with grit so I cannot see
Make this all morbid, so it’s all unclear
I’ve lied to many people; punish me!
My sins have spoken, let me die in vain
So that in hell I will be born again.

Copyright © 2008 Trinity Rose

As always, please share your thoughts with me. Thank you!

Speak soon,

Erica