How’re you all doing? I feel today needs a catch up on things… Random thoughts and going’s on…
I feel as though I entered 2016 with too much expectation of things being “great” and “perfect”, perhaps “easy” too… Life was going well and things were going well and I was feeling good in myself. But now it seems as though I may have been disillusioned and creating the perfect world I want to cover the shadows which lie. Y’know what I mean?
It’s all catching up with me. Why can things never run smoothly? My thoughts are constantly wandering from one thing to another and I keep finding myself distracted from the things important to me. I am trying so hard to work on my coursework, I keep saying to myself and others how close I am to finishing the third unit. It seems as though I am further away than I thought I was and thus losing the will to do it and all motivation around it. It’s not a good sign considering I’ve enrolled on another two home study courses -where my aim is to complete by the end of the year. Again, setting myself goals is probably not the best thing – as I feel as though I’ve let myself down with not completing unit three by the time I wanted to. It makes me feel like a failure. I just know I shouldn’t put too much pressure on myself. There’s no deadlines so why do it to myself? Maybe I want to feel a sense of achievement? I don’t know. I just end up letting myself down. All the time.
I’ve been trying really hard not getting involved with other peoples lives and not letting others affect mine. Unfortunately, it’s not always easy to do:
I was proud of myself for one challenge I gave myself, which involved fluffy rabbit… I have a friend who recently decided it was time to have a furry companion in her life. I was there to suggest supporting a local pet shop than Pets at Home (would never recommend them!) and often my help in getting the rabbit from the location to her home. I let them both bond, even though I desperately wanted to sit with them and play with the bunny, but I knew that I couldn’t get involved as it wasn’t my space and time to do so. I sat back and observed, and it actually made me smile. Of course I was jealous about the new bundle of fluff, even though I have my own fur babies at home, but I guess it made me realise how lucky this bunny was going to be in her new home. Holding back from taking over was hard, and I explained to my friend that if I appeared to be bossy or taking over the situation to let her know because I have a habit of doing that without even realising! It’s terrible of me, I know! Fortunately my friend didn’t see it like that and I do hope she’d be honest with me if I’m pushing in a bit.
I’m trying really hard not to get involved with my brothers situation, but that’s quite hard to not to do when I seem to have been caught up with the Social Services situation. Why are families so complicated at times?
We’re currently having some issues with a neighbour. I can’t say too much about it online, but it has unfortunately made our living uncomfortable and we feel as though we’re living on the knife edge, paranoid we’re being watched and listened to. It’s a repeat of where we used to live, where we were pretty much bullied out (it had involved the police on a few occasions), so we really don’t want it to get to that point again. It’s having an impact on my health. There’s no doubt about that.
I also have a friend who I’m really concerned about. I’m trying not to think about it too much because I don’t want it to affect me, but I can’t help thinking that what’s wrong with her is down to malnutrition and my head is going out of control with all the anorexic thoughts. I currently feel like a heffalump, I was proud of myself for not letting it bother me when I was on holiday with my Wife and in my swimming costume, which sure, it fit – but the size was a larger size than I thought it was! I My weight is creeping up, but no-one is noticing but me. It’s usually the way though. My friend has been battling the thoughts for a long while now and we are both comfortable to talk to each other about it and support each other. My friend has been having physical problems which have been preventing her from eating much, and then due to a rubbish immune system, she keeps catching the flu and all the bugs which are currently floating about, not giving her a chance to recover and try and eat. And that’s where my current fear is that she’s malnourished and should really be in hospital being fed through a tube in order to recover, but how can I even suggest such a thing? I’m so scared of her organs and such shutting down. The battle she’s facing is so terrifying it is having huge impact on her mental health too and I’m actually scared for her. I wish that she could be in my position and be fighting it and winning. Sure, I have the thoughts and I know my weight is creeping up, but I am trying so hard to look after myself. I just know how easy it is to slip up. I just want my friend to be well again. Isn’t that what we all want?
There’s been so much loss this year in the celebrity world. We all woke up to the news of Sir Terry Wogan this morning… I’m trying to find my feelings to this news. I’m in shock and disbelief, I guess the feeling is numb. I’m saddened and shocked. I have watched Children in Need since I can remember, and the Eurovision, and been listening to Radio 2 for the past 2 or so years. Eurovision changed when he left, but I love Graham Norton, though it took a while to get used to him. Last year when Terry pulled out of CiN the day before, we all knew it must have been something serious for him to make the decision not to host the show. They said it was a back operation which meant he was unable to perform, but it seems as though we now know the truth behind it. Cancer.
Why is Cancer still here? Can it not bugger off now? Why have we not found a cure? It’s taken so many people, not just from the celebrity world lately, but of course thousands of people daily. It snatches people from their families, their friends, their lives.
It’s probably been in every family we all know. It needs to end now. I just don’t know what to say.
I let myself down the other day… I cried in public. Might not seem unusual for someone with an emotional intensity disorder, but for me – I have done so well in my “recovery”, or managing my illness (should I say), and managed to cope with stressful, intense situations where I feel as though I am being shut down/not listened to. I was in the pub with a few people from a local depression and anxiety group I attend, as we are all part of a “Working Group” where we discuss the group. I’d made a list of things to mention, but I wasn’t being listened to and felt as though I was being shut down every time I suggested things. I am surprised I managed to stay for the duration. Though I did leave earlier than the rest as it was getting a little late. When I was crying, I really wanted to run, but I stayed there, and felt like a complete idiot. As a “grown up”, I don’t think it’s normal to cry in public. Especially when it’s not as if it was over something bad. I feel I let myself down. I did explain that there are people in the group, like myself who don’t just have depression and anxiety and have other mental health conditions. I said that I have bpd and don’t want to be crying, *points to face* but, it’s the way the emotions explode. It has made me doubt my position in the group and whether I want to remain going there. It gets me out one evening a week, so I really need to think through things and what is best for me, especially when I have so much else going on… ______________________________________________________
Facebook… The devil. Just so you know – I decided to delete the Page I created for this blog. I hadn’t personally shared it and it didn’t have any likes, so I was able to remove it immediately. It’s because I already run a few other pages, and I think it is in my best interest to keep this away from Facebook as much as possible. It’s okay linked to Twitter, but for some reason my issues lie deeper with Facebook.
I’ve already explained that I created a new account to try and rid of problems I have, yet it still doesn’t work. I have my pages and I’m in a few groups, and I admin a couple of groups. Unfortunately I messed up with setting up admin for some people on the bpd page and group I admin. It meant that one of the admin ended up feeling confused, isolated, unable to trust and upset. I had to try and explain that it was a genuine error on my part, but I feel so stupid for letting it happen. I feel as though I have let them down, the other admin down and myself down. It makes me want to pack it all in.
It’s that bad. Why do I feel as though when something goes wrong, it’s time to give up?
I am trying to hold on, but I don’t know how I can get this person to rejoin the group and for me to change the settings PROPERLY this time, and yeh… What do you think?
Seeing as this has ended up quite long I’m going to leave it here for now. I’ve still got some things to talk about too… Eurgh. Perhaps I’ll be back tomorrow!
Take care everyone.