I’m going to briefly discuss today. I really need to get a few other feelings out so I will try and do that too…
I’ve just copied something I’ve written already because it sums up this morning!
“So today was a crappy start. I didn’t want to go to leavers group today, but I kinda had to as I had a card I needed to give to another member. Otherwise, I’d have quite happily stayed in bed.
As usual, got to talk a teeny bit bring up a load of suff only to be told to come back to it another time because there was other stuff which needed discussion, but the stupid thing was half of the time was used up with a member creating a division in the group and singling two of us other members out. I was able to switch off from it because I feel there are far more important things to talk about, and we were wasting time, but then these were their issues and I have to try and be respectful of that, despite me being one of the targets.
Oh, working in a group is such fun. Everyone seems to think they’re worse off than the other, and being able to say how you really feel is so hard because you feel as though you’re then copying others. Is it really possible that we are all feeling the same way? I don’t see how that is possible. I mean, we may all have a personality disorder but has it become a way of being in the group, that we must all be so negative and feel crap all the time?
I have been trying so hard to be happy, than now I am feeling like rubbish, I feel as though I cannot talk about my thoughts and feelings because there’ll be someone else wanting to rain on my parade and take over! It’s a joke.
To be honest, I said I’d try and make it until Christmas. I don’t think I can last much longer there… Fortunately my CPN is looking into other things which might be beneficial for me. Fingers crossed something works out…”
So, aside from the above and this morning being quite rubbish, yesterday I have to say was by far worse. I am having some problems with a couple of friends. Namely the potential donor and his girlfriend. I’ve screwed up. As always I push away those I love. I mess up my best relationships by saying or doing something stupid. Now, I’m not straight, nor do I consider myself bi-sexual. I am attracted to men, but not sexually. I most definitely prefer women though, and I am sexually attracted to women, thus would be considered ‘Lesbian’ (I actually hate that word, and prefer – Gay!), so, yes – the reason I’m saying this is because I made a mistake on my birthday … Although it wasn’t really a mistake because I’d joked about it beforehand and yes, I kissed the potential donor, and I now have this feeling that this “action” is why he pulled out, which is quite silly really because it “takes two to tango” … Anyway, this has now become “high drama” in my life and destroyed two of the best friendships I had. His girlfriend (or rather friend with benefits – currently), had previously, (before the kiss), said goodbye to him, and then the next thing is she sees us kissing. Now, I admit… I was drunk. At first, I didn’t think I was, but I’m going to own up and admit that okay, maybe I was a bit! So, she’s now wanting to leave the party, which for me was norma because everyone was leaving at different times. I didn’t even realise that my other friend was going with her, and I can’t even remember saying goodbye….
So as far as I was aware, after my party things were okay. No-one had said anything… UNTIL, I get a message from my friend saying that his feelings had changed because of MY actions, and that I had been sarcastic in messages (which is true, but more out of frustration due to not getting a response when I wanted), I’ve then asked my Wife and my other friend what happened, what actions he might be referring to, and the kiss gets mentioned.
I then feel completely rejected from all three of them. I mean, it’s been at least 3 weeks since my party and they’ve thought this of me the whole time. My Wife didn’t think it mattered as it was only a kiss, though when she heard it was a full on snog, she thought otherwise, still – we’re good, and that’s what matters -PHEW!
Though my friendships, they’ve been wrecked. With one of them, it was just ultimately destroyed after I’ve been accused of only wanting to be friends with him for one reason. It just showed how little he thought of me, and utterly destroyed my soul. My other friend, well… we have been trying to sort things out. But after I removed her from my new profile on Facebook (something I’ve yet to mention on here), she presumed I didn’t want to be friends with her as she was a negative thing in my life, which was not the case at all, it was more that I needed time to think things through and all the while we were friends on my “normal” account, I figured we could talk it through there before moving onto my new account which I created for a “positive” and hopefully, healthy reason!
I feel as though I have been pushing them away by constantly bombarding them both with text messages and private messages. Though, I haven’t been at it all the time, the words I say can perhaps be seen as harsh, too honest and too sharp for peoples liking.
I was so unhappy with my friends not being able to be honest with me from the very beginning. I feel as though I have been betrayed, and not been the betrayer. Yet that is what they are making me out to be.
I don’t know… Am I in the wrong? Obviously I have not stated any of what our messages were, but I can assure you they were only what they ought to have been. I was able to express my feelings and I agreed with some of the things which was said to me.
Anyway, I want to leave it there today because I’m mentally and physically wrecked. If you can let me know a solution to this situation and a way to get my friends back, if you feel a) I deserve them or b) They deserve me, then please let me know. Thank you!
That’s all for now. Speak soon!