First of all, just wanna share with you my “song of the moment”, and I’m sure most of you have heard it many times already, but here we go…
Jessie J – Masterpiece
“I still fall on my face sometimes
And I can’t colour inside the lines
‘Cause I’m perfectly incomplete
I’m still working on my masterpiece
And I, I wanna hang with the greats
Got a way to go, but it’s worth the wait
No, you haven’t seen the best of me
I’m still working on my masterpiece”
How on key is this for someone who’s recently come out of a year long therapy treatment? Sure, I’m still attending for those couple of hours a week, and seeing my Care Co-Ordinator on a fortnightly basis, but still… It’s progress, right?
When I saw my Care Co-Ordinator the other day, I discussed with her a few of my “current” issues, one of them being therapy, and my not wanting to be in Leavers Group anymore.
Okay, I shouldn’t deny myself the therapy, but for the past few weeks of being there, I have felt incredibly miserable inside, feeling like I’m the cause of all the conflict (no doubt I am), but also the group itself seem to have this overbearing negativity towards the therapist and the community, perhaps in fact the entire Mental Health Services. It completely drains me, especially when I go in wanting to discuss certain issues, and sure, being in a group means having the confidence to speak up and take the space, sometimes changing the subject can be quite difficult when all it feels like is “moan, moan, moan”.
I felt as though I’ve been okay outside of therapy, I don’t want to say I’m recovered or feeling fantastic, because that’s not the case. I’ve been having many nights where I get this overwhelming feeling of depression, and feel worthless, or I start to cry at the thoughts in my head. There’s still no escape, no matter how hard I try.
So, when I get to therapy on a Tuesday morning, usually I feel “okay”, there’s some stuff I feel I want to talk about, but I end up in a debate with another community member before I even get the chance to discuss my issues. I end up all worked up and think what’s the point of being there? I only get frustrated and angry at individuals.
Maybe that is the therapy? Getting irate, and then learning how to manage the situation in a calm way without experiencing or showing signs of emotional outbursts, such as crying, yelling, screaming and shouting and threatening behaviour. For some reason, I feel compelled to yell out, “GAWD, I REALLY WANT TO SLAP YOU IN THE F***ING FACE”, despite my own knowing that I couldn’t act upon such an action as I’d freeze on the spot and just take the abuse that was thrown as me. I only tend to swear when I’m really angry and riled up. So, when I’m like this, I feel as though this is not a part of me, when – obviously it is. It’s coming from my mouth and my thoughts. It’s just a side of me which I don’t see often so it’s extremely frustrating on my part!
My Care Co-Ordinator suggested I stick with going to Leavers. Sure enough, I cursed her! I really wished she’d have said, “Well, if you’re really not finding it helpful, then okay we’ll see what else we can offer you…”, but no. She recommends I stay, in a place I dislike going to.
Actually, that’s not true. I love the place. I’ve learned a lot. I’ve made some lovely, genuine, lifetime friends. I’ve been able to be myself and learn a lot about myself. I’ve also been able to stay connected to the place by offering to help out with some design stuff, which is something being qualified in, means I can feel good about doing something which helps others, and I get to show therapists what I’m good at/enjoy!
Which reminds me, I worked on a design all day Friday, and sent it off to receive a lovely response about it being impressive and professional. It wasn’t a response I Was expecting, so it was really nice to know that the work was appreciated and liked.
So, back to therapy, “To go, or not to go? That is the question!”
I guess for the time being I have to stick with it. It’s only a couple of hours once a week. I might not need to stay for the entire 18months, so I just have to take it week by week. I’m working on the Recovery Star, slowly with my Care Co-Ordinator, and things are also being slowly worked on.
There’s little progress being made at the moment, but I think it’s good for me to be taking it steady. I don’t want to rush and feel too overwhelmed by the emotions that come along with learning about oneself and the battles one has faced in a lifetime.
Second by second. Minute by minute. Hour by hour. Day by day. Week by week. Month by month. Year by year.
Time… Time is plenty to work on ourselves.